I’ve just learned that one of my college buddies, Brian Wagner, took his life yesterday. He cites depression, though I was not aware of that. I feel sadness, but I feel confusion even more.
Brian was “thoughtful” enough to write his suicide note as a Word file. I’m not about to post it here. But, if you’re also a close friend of Brian’s, just e-mail me (link is on the right) and I can get it to you.
Alex, I’m so sorry to hear this. If there’s anything you need (company, to be left alone, etc.) don’t hesitate to ask.
Holy crap! Brian!?! That’s heavy. I just can’t believe anything would drive Brian to this. I’d like to read the note he left; how did you get it, anyway? Wow. *sighs*
Brian’s girlfriend, Roxanne, e-mailed the note to several of Brian’s friends (including me).
As to how she received it, I’m not sure whether Brian e-mailed it to her, or whether she retrieved it from Brian’s PC.
I just visited Brian less than two weeks ago at Roxy’s apartment. He did seem more subdued, less himself, and quieter. But he didn’t look depressed, or at least I didn’t perceive it that way. I thought he was just being more mature, maybe from being in a serious relationship for the past 6 or 7 months. But, he definitely kept a wall between himself and everyone except perhaps Roxanne.
In retrospect, previous things he has said or done take on a different meaning now, in the light of this. Like when he suddenly tried to get me to start an exercise routine with him (exercise is known to alleviate depression). He said it was his doctor’s advice. I now guess he meant his psychiatrist, not his physician. Also when he pretty much fell off the face of the earth for months at a time, he would say it was because he was so involved with Roxy, but perhaps he was really just in a deep depression.
Being miserable at work seemed to be the primary focus of his suicide letter. The stress of troubled projects, the being trapped indoors under harsh flourescent lighting. He had always sought fufillment in his career, and instead of finding a love for it, it was slowly taking a toll on his mental well-being. This whole story says something really sad about the life of the isolated urban professional, especially someone in the tech industry. I too have found that concentrating on details and difficult computer logic all day every day, can erode your short term memory, wipe out your attention span, and make you feel restless but without any energy. Poor Brian saw this as a downward spiral of despair, and couldn’t find a way out.
He’ll be missed.
Hello everyone. Alex gave me the link to hear. This is pretty neat.
I did tell Alex the story of what happened on Thursday but he didn’t email me the note and I didn’t get it off his computer. He left it for me to find when I came home from work along with some other more personal notes for me. I found him in our bathroom.
There are many signs that I should have picked up on, but I never did because I didn’t think there was anything wrong. He slept a lot and would call in to work a lot to sleep. But he just said he needed his rest… and he never acted any differently around me than he normally did, so I believed him. He used to talk about his work incessantly and he never did for the past like 4 or 5 months. And I didn’t know exercise was supposed to releave depression… there is another sign. He also had become more clingy to me…always wanted me to be with him and doing things with him and I often didn’t go to him when he needed me. He told me not to blame myself, but I find it very hard not to at times. Its really hard because we were planning our marriage and stuff. And he had told his dad about marrying me a couple weeks ago.
Thank you all for coming to his funeral. Brian didn’t think he had many friends, but it is so clear to me that he did.
Roxanne